June 21, 2014

Celebrating The Solstice With Mixed Emotions...

Blessed Litha; may the Sun shine down and fill you with love and warmth throughout the summer and beyond.


As I sit here writing this I am a mix of emotions; I'm excited or the solstice and I am definitely feeling the energy of Summer and all that it brings with it. It's an exciting time, my girls are out of school, the water of the gulf is warm, and I am changing and growing(spiritually) everyday.

So with all this excitement and energy why is my stomach in knots? Why do I cry at the drop of a dime? Because my world is turning upside down, I'm close to losing my mom. Why am I telling you this? I hope to prevent any child from suffering the way I am right now.

My mother has been in and out of the hospital 3 times in the past 2 months all in the ICU, the last visit on a Ventilator for 4 days. You see my mom has COPD and she has it from smoking for 40 years, the last 17 after she found out she was sick.

During this last visit we found out she is stage 4 or end stage, I know my time with her is short and I am angry about that, I'm angry at her for every picking up that first cigarette, I'm angry that after quitting for more than five years she picked up another one, I'm angry that she won't see my beautiful daughters or there cousins graduate from high school, I'm angry that she's only 57 years old and may not even make it to 58 next month.

I know this is wrong to say but as much as I love her, I hate her at the same time. No child or grandchild for that matter should ever have to watch as their parent struggles to breath, when it could have been prevented. Her smoking aside I have childhood issues(some of you know what I'm speaking of) that I can never resolve with her, because she can't have stress(it could kill her).

I want to hold her in my arms and tell her it's ok I love you, we're alright; but I can't, and that make me angry because I really need to be that person for her right now, and all I can think about is "Why, Why did you have to smoke, Why were you so selfish to put that poison in your body and take yourself away from us"

So what's a girls to do? Well this girl being the eldest child will do what she always does; she'll tuck away the anger and pain, she'll be there for her brothers who sadly aren't as strong as they think they are, she'll do what's expected of her, and then once she's alone, well I don't know what will happen then and I really don't want to think about it right now.

Now at this moment I do have a huge favor of you, If you smoke please STOP right now, I know it's a hard thing to do, but trust me nothing is harder than watching a parent die because they didn't quit. DON'T do that to you children or other loved ones, it's really not worth it.

I'm sorry this went so long, but I thank you for letting me get some of this out of my system, even if it was just for a little while.

Ash-Lynn

      

8 comments:

  1. The worst thing about smoking is that it kills perfectly nice, decent people. It must be the only product that's fatal even if you follow the manufacturer's instructions. I'm so sorry you're in this situation, and I can understand that you're overwhelmed by the weight of your emotions. It's going to be hard and if there's anything I can do, let me know. And you can rant on here, write what you need to write. This is your blog and we're here for you.

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    1. Rhissanna, Thank you for being there for me, you'll never know how much it means.

      I always hate ranting on here, I try to be positive as much as possible.

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  2. Thinking of you and sending prayers your way. My bestfriend has stage 4 lung cancer. The doctors told her she was in remission well she continued to smoke. Now she has it in her lungs and brain. If you need someone I'm here for you. BB

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    1. Veretta, I;m sorry to here about your friend. Thank you for your kind heart, it always helps to know others are there.

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  3. You will have a flood of emotions, feel everyone,. Mark each lesson , leant or not, be the best You! In the end.
    I am not one you would care to hear from right now.......know that I have walked in you shoes.....and it has taken me over 10 yrs..to separate me from past.
    I am sending you strength and Love! xoDebi
    ( forgiveness is more powerful......for your hearts sake)

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    1. Thanks Debi, I love hearing from you no matter what, you always speak the truth :)

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  4. There is no way to reconcile this world of emotions. You feel you hate her because you love her, and you know she loves you, and you can't understand why she would do something like that to someone she loves, for you sure wouldn't do it to your own child... Live is a complicated mess. Things don't always make sense. I'm sure she's hurting physically and emotionally. The worse thing about seeing our children hurt is to know with certainty that we put the pain there.

    Hold her tight and make these last days count... We can't turn time back, but we can make it memorable.

    May a miracle shine on her, you and your babes.

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    1. I Magaly, I went over yesterday and crawled in bed with her and snuggled with her like I did when I was a girl, sadly she did not know I was there, but I did so I guess that's what matters to my heart right?

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